Ditch the Hopium: The Financial Checklist for Surviving the Financial Dumpster Fire

Oh, and let’s talk about Hopium, shall we? Hopium is that magical drug your financial advisor is pumping into you every time they say, “Don’t worry, the market will come back.” It’s that false sense of security they sell you so you keep your money exactly where they want it—firmly in the stock market, where they get to collect their fees whether you win or lose. It’s like watching a poker game where they’re telling you to hold your hand while they cash out. And you? Well, you’re stuck on Hopium, hoping for the best while reality is screaming, “Fold already!” And then there’s the little nugget that you probably didn’t know: You don’t actually own your stocks. That’s right, you’re just the “beneficiary owner,” which is a fancy way of saying, “You’re holding the bag when things go south.” That pretty portfolio statement? It’s just a digital number that could vanish faster than your advisor’s excuses after the market crashes. You’re basically like someone checking their wallet for cash after they’ve been mugged—spoiler alert: it’s gone. But hey, the fun doesn’t stop there. Let’s talk about your bank. You think your money’s safe just sitting in your account? Think again. The second you deposit it, the bank’s off to the races with your cash, lending it out and leaving you with what? An IOU. That monthly statement isn’t a sign that your money’s safe and sound—it’s the bank’s way of politely telling you, “We owe you this much, but don’t hold your breath.” And if they get into trouble? Good luck getting it back anytime soon. So, before you let your financial advisor or bank serve you another round of Hopium, here’s a checklist of questions you should be asking them—because if these haven’t crossed your mind yet, you’re in for a real eye-opener. Ready?